Obama wants to take the task of gathering Intelligence from the National Security Agency and give it to the unionized Department of Homeland Security, who yearly receive praise and bonuses for being only slightly less honest and competent than the IRS. So competent has Homeland been in its treatment of passengers at the nation’s airports, so much the essence of competence and sweet purity, that it is justly considered to be the only conceivable choice to guard the secrets and privacy of American companies and citizens, doubters and malcontents to the contrary.

The essence of sweet purity
Is our own Homeland Security
They’ll guard your secret data with their lives
They’ll make you take your shoes off
And fight to keep the clues off
Front pages and will help on paper drives
They take the war on terror
So seriously that error
Cannot creep up or out or even in
They’ll keep safe all your data
From alpha clear to beta
And if they lose it you’ll know where it’s been
They do great jobs at airports
And while they sometimes share warts
With other agencies they’re miles above
The folks who hired Snowden
And swear by Zeus and Wodin
That you’ll be fine and what is not to love