A study was released recently that said people in the Red States, read Conservative Republicans, were fatter and less intelligent than people in the Blue States, read Progressive Democrats. What is more, the study affirmed that people in the Red States were mildly to seriously paranoid, while people in the Blue States were quite happy and serene. I spoke to a sobbing Conservative Republican Red Stater today, who wept bitter tears over his stupidity and obesity, which he blamed on Ronald Reagan, crying that if his parents hadn’t switched to the Republicans in 1980 he would not only be smarter but a lot thinner. I comforted him as best I could, but it was no use. He was in the grip of paranoia.

 

 

Yes there I was, he sobbed, a fatty

The kids all called me boombaladdy

I ran home crying to my daddy

Like me a red state hick

My schoolmates called me fatso dumbo

The lessons were all mumbo jumbo

And all I had to eat was gumbo

Enough to make me sick

My life is just one big disaster

My red state genes a brutal master

I’m heading for a blue state faster

Than you can shake a stick

And when I get there I’ll be smarter

With an organic veggie larder

With heroes like Al Gore and Carter

Hussein and Bill the Slick

Oh yes now that I’m smart I’m gonna

Walk down to the nearest cawnah

And join the brilliant Lefty fauna

That has us up the crick