Barack Obama, channeling his inner Elizabeth Barrett Browning, riffs on her love poem to her husband, and composes a paean to the love of his life, himself.

How do I love me, let me count the ways
I have set the moral standard
For  these many, many days
I have torn apart the races
Into warring factions now
To the point where Black Lives Matter
Will no longer scrape and bow
To the white man’s whims and fancies
As I’ve boldly strode the stage
Of the world that I have mastered
I’m the marvel of the age
I have stuck it to Israelis
And the Philippines I’ve swept
Into the maws of China
And then afterward I wept
I have given nukes to Mullahs
Who have sworn to kill us all
And the Turks have now left NATO
As we watch the Mid-East fall
Into catastrophic killings
And the millions who must flee
Into Europe and the US
Where the killers are now free
To slay innocents and children
In the holy name of God
And my people are behind me
For they do not think it odd
I have won our wars by losing
To the loser goes the spoils
And I’ve seen to it that Ukraine
Rests serene in Russia’s coils
I’ve killed tyrants like Khaddafi
An unguarded consulate
Where I left young men on rooftops
And let God decide their fate
Yes my life has been amazing
Over all did I preside
As I’ve led the West I hated
To their death by suicide