Tag Archives: sam spade

The Mao Tease Falcon

You will pardon me for not putting this in verse, but President Obama is looking for a fall guy to take the blame for his own ineptitude, and he has settled on the Tea Party. In The Maltese Falcon, Sam spade suggests to Gutman that they make the gunsel the fall guy and give him to the cops. Many years ago Victor Appleton produced a vast number of juvenile books, whose hero, Tom Swift, spoke extensively in adverbs. Years later there arose a cult devoted to the advancement of the Tom Swifty, as in  “What we need is a good hard hitting outfielder,” the manager said ruthlessly. With the president as Sam Spade, we present an excerpt from that great American classic, Tom Swift and the Mao Tease Falcon.



  “We need a fall guy,” Sam said clumsily. “Let’s give them the gunsel.”

  “You are a character, sir,” Gutman smiled. “He is the only man who knows the whereabouts of the falcon.”

  “It’s not a falcon,” Sam said owlishly. “It’s a bust of Mao, stolen off my White House Christmas Tree.”

  “Nonetheless, he is the only one who knows where it is.”

  “Then ask the question,” Sam said testily. “Make him tell us where it is.”

  “He says the last he saw it was in Ho Fung’s restaurant.”

  “He’s full of soup!” Sam cried wontonly. “I want that bust and I want it now!”

  “You are a character, sir, you truly are.”


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