Chief Diversity Officer

The Federal Government has an office of Diversity Management, whose director sits around all day composing lists of words he believes are racist. Words like ‘niggardly’, and ‘Chicago’. This is what we have come to, Orwell’s 1984, where the government rearranges the language into Newspeak, so the peons do not even have the words with which to voice displeasure with government offices like the Office of Diversity Management. Recently appointed Chief Diversity Officer for my Condominium Association, I compiled a list of forbidden words and phrases and put them to a vote, where they were passed by acclimation.


Mop was out because the cursed word began with M

Which upside down spelled out the cruel word Wop

And using Mick for Michelob was not the thing to do

As several of the boys begged me to shtop

The use of Poleaxe to describe a very heavy blow

Was now a word offensive to the Poles

And Aspic was illegal in the eyes of many folks

While Foster gives offense to Aussie souls

Now Slant must not be used at all, nor anything be Square

Our Chinese neighbors have their inner needs

While Square reminds the rest of us of slurs about the shape

Of heads of we Norwegians and the Swedes

We must not say we Pack our things, it sounds the same as Pak

Our Pakistani neighbors are annoyed

So if you find you’re on the road just take another tack

Or peace and good relations are destroyed

And then of course you’re never Fagged, you’re only merely tired

And plans for Dikes on wetlands must be dropped

And if your children play and laugh they really aren’t Gay

And feeding them those Burghers must be stopped

The meeting was a great success, I made my points quite well

And gathered up my dog, a minor glitch

For many in the crowd protested at my choice of pets

By pointing out she was a handsome Bitch


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