Category Archives: Verse

Jews Or Jaws

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A spate of shark attacks recently off the coast of Sharm el Sheikh, an Egyptian tourist resort at the tip of the Sinai penisnsula, has caused the Egyptian functionaries much distress, as the attacks have disrupted the smooth flow of tourist dollars into the nearly empty Egyptian treasury. Of course, in typical Arab fashion, they blamed the shark attacks on the Jews, claiming the Israelis secretly threw the sharks into the sea for the express purpose of discomfiting the Egyptians. Apparently they never saw Jaws. But on the other hand, there is little difference between Jews and Jaws.

 

 

I‘m throwing in the towel

It’s just a tiny vowel

That spells the difference between jews and jaws

Do consonants do harm?

What happens then when Sharm

El Sheikh turns into Shark will give you pause

My momma always said

Son use your punkin’ head

Don’t swim where big black fins are seen offshore

I’ve heeded that advice

Except for once or twice

And now I sing much higher than before

 

 

The X In Xmas

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The most important battle ever fought on planet Earth may very well have been the battle of Milvian Bridge, on October 28, 312 AD, between the forces of two Roman Emperors, Constantine and Maxentius. Though outnumbered, Constantine won, and by winning assumed sole control of the government of Rome. Legend has it he saw a sign in the sky the night before the battle, a sign that said In Hoc Signe Vincit, In This Sign You Shall Conquer. The sign was the Christian sign of the Chi-ro, the first three letters of the name of Christ. Constantine had his men paint the sign on their shields, won the battle, and later made Christianity the state religion of Rome. Europe therefore was Christian when the Arab invasions began five centuries later, and a Christian Europe united in defeating the Muslim armies. It is difficult to see how a non-united non-Christian Europe, with many differing religions, could have resisted the sword of Islam any more than the Middle East, North Africa and the eastern lands stretching from Persia to India had been able to resist. Had Constantine not won the battle of Milvian Bridge, Europe would not have been Christian, and we would all be Muslims now. There would have been no Enlightenment, no science, no Western culture, no democracy and no United States.  

 

 

IN HOC SIGNE VINCIT

or

HOW CONSTANTINE PUT THE X IN XMAS

 

 

We wish you a merry X-Mas

A sentiment just fine

But did you know that Xmas

Has its roots in Constantine?

Back in the day of Roman clout

When Legions reigned supreme

 A couple emperors duked it out

To see who owned the dream

Old Connie told his soldiers he

Had seen in the night sky

A sign proclaiming victory

And gave the reason why

He said the sign did light the night

The sign of the Chi-Ro

That promised he would win the fight

If allegiance he would show

The sign proclaimed the Christian King

Whom they would recognize

To rule the earth and everything

From seas to shining skies

Thus Constantine did give the word

“The sign upon each shield!”

The morning saw his army gird

For battle they’d not yield

The Christian god now on their side

The troops were confident

That no defeat would God abide

And into battle went

 You know the rest, they passed the test

And Constantine emerged

A Christian king, one of the best

The pagans they were scourged

What was that fiery sign you ask

That flared in bold relief

That gave to Constantine the task

Of changing men’s belief

 From many gods to the one True

I’ll tell you so you know

The sign that flared up in the blue

Was the old Greek Chi-Ro

The letter X, that sounds the same

As Ch, then with Ro,

The letter R, becomes the name

Of Christ, to those who know

And still today the letter X

Stands for the risen one

And not a slight designed to vex

Adherents of the Son

Had Constantine not climbed the ridge

And to the sign did bow

He’d have lost that day at Milvian Bridge

And we’d all be muslims now

So Merry X-Mas as we dine

On this fine Christmas Day

And drink a toast to Constantine

Who showed us all the way

 

 

MERRY XMAS!

 

 

Who Ya Workin’ For?

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There is much chatter in the Arab world that Wikileaks is an American disinformation project. Could Assange be a front for the US government? I don’t believe so. We don’t do that sort of thing very well. But the Brits do. Remember Garbo and The Man Who Never Was? You will recall Assange is Australian, and looks, acts and talks like a guy who would’ve fit right in with the chaps at Bletchley Park or wherever it was James Bond and his pals at MI-6 hung out. No, if Assange is a game being played by the United States, it is being sub-contracted to the Brits.

 

 

A German agent planted near

Old Blighty’s threatened shore

With British pistol in his ear

Switched sides and won the war

There was a man who never was

And spoiled the German’s game

We have a man who never was

And Barack is his name

And so we have this Assange guy

And we’re led to believe

A pfc on his first try

With nothing up his sleeve

Downloads a quarter million docs

On Lady Ga-Ga stick

Despite the secrets behind locks

The theft was mighty slick

Where was our Garbo all this time

Did outrage assay forth

From White House on this horrid crime

Did Garbo alter courth?

Of course the man who never was

And Garbo are the same

He speaketh not of Assange’s deed

And Barack is his name

 

 

Poor Richard

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The Treasury Department has a lot of printing to do to keep up with the growing national debt, and in the course of printing warehouses full of new money they sometimes run into a snag. It seems a substantial number of recently printed hundred dollar bills have a vertical crease, and when you pull the sides of the bill the crease unfolds, leaving a blank space in the center of the bill. Does Ben Franklin deserve such treatment? The government spent 120 million dollars producing bills it cannot use. But all they have to do is say if you get a hundred dollar bill with only half of Franklin’s face, it’s a fifty.

 

 

Ben Franklin was a printer

His Almanac was neat

He printed many documents

That never had a pleat

Now comes along Obama’s crew

Just screwing up the place

Producing hundred dollar bills

With half of Franklin’s face

But Franklin doesn’t give a damn

He knows his place is sure

He knows Obama’s face on bills

Will come just after Gore

 

 

My Old Plame

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Hollywood has brought out a movie called Fair Game, or the Adventures of Joseph and Valerie Wilson, aka Valerie Plame. The movie is based on the self serving, filled with lies and distortions books written by the shy, retiring, self effacing pair. The movie bears no relation to reality, but that is not the point. The point of just about every Hollywood movie these days is to make the United States look evil or stupid or both. The question of course is, does anyone remember Valerie Plame or Joseph Wilson? And if anyone does remember either of them, does that anyone care? There was an old song, back in the 30s or 40s, called My Old Flame. Sappy lyric, but with a few adjustments it fits.

 

 

My old Plame

I can’t even think of her name

But it’s funny how and then

That my thoughts go running back again

To my old Plame

I’ve met so many who had fascinating ways

A fascinating gaze in their eyes

Fascinating ways to their lies

And when she wrote a book

We counted all the lies it took

From my old Plame

My old Plame

She let Scooter take all the blame

She had all the Dems to thank

As she ran not walked into her bank

Did my old Plame

And now a movie tells her story sad and true

A story only cameras can tell

How one Bob Nowak made her life hell

But now she’s in the chips

And now the past is just some blips

For my old Plame

 

 

The 38th Parallel, Again

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South Korea has defied the Russians, the Chinese and the North Koreans, and will begin a planned artillery exercise today despite the warning from North Korea that doing so constitutes a casus belli, and will respond with overwhelming force if the artillery shoot goes forward. The North says if the war starts, it will go nuclear. We shall see. The North Koreans have threatened to incinerate Seoul, and one day they just might do it. They threaten to sink American warships in the Yellow Sea, and one day just might do it. The North Korean leadership is crazy, everyone says, though they seem to be doing all right. Every time they threaten us we hurry them to the negotiating table where we threaten them with dire consequences if they don’t accept our money, our food and our oil. Sure sounds crazy to me. And if they ever carry out their threats to turn Seoul into a radioactive parking lot, what will our response be? Well, if they do it while Obama is in power the answer is – nothing.

 

 

When North Korea bombards Seoul

Obama’s guys will take a poll

To see if we should act or sing and dance

We must not act just out of fear

But wait until the facts are clear

We must of course leave nothing up to chance

Our allies spread throughout the world

Don’t want their banners yet unfurled

Too early still to know what’s going on

It’s better that we just hold back

To see if it’s just one attack

Or just the king-four move of lonely pawn

Our lone response from Sec of State

Will show the Norks we are irate

That they would start to shoot in midst of talks

We know that Kim’s a peaceful man

Who’s doing all that one man can

To hold in check his country’s youthful hawks

And so we offer Kim a bribe

Such things as we will not describe

But first among them cash and oil and food

We must do nothing to inflame

Or cause our foes at home to blame

Us for our country’s ugly sour mood

 

 

Western Civ, Part II

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The long European love affair with socialism is about over. In the immortal words of Margaret Thatcher, European governments have finally run out of other people’s money to bestow on the non working voters, and the non working voters are none too happy about it, so unhappy they riot in the streets, attack the Prince of Wales, burn cars, storm Parliament, urinate on the statue of Winston Churchill, all because the government raised university tuition. And that was just in England. Similar scenes for much the same reasons were seen all over Europe this summer as the governments tried to take back goodies they bestowed on the voters in the good times, good times they never thought would end. But end they did, though no one, as yet, believes it, demanding the party continue, demanding the band play on.

 

 

The party goers and well wishers

Deny the facts, deny the fissures

They dance atop the speeding floe

That hurtles to the falls below

We have our rights! they scream and shout

You cannot turn this floe about!

There are no falls around the bend

And if there are, it’s not the end

So we will dance and sing all night

And hope that all will turn out right

America will save us soon

Did not they put men on the moon?

Are not they friends who won’t forget?

Will they not come to pay our debt?

They’ve saved us from much worse before

They saved us twice from reckless war

They saved us from the Russian bear

Deny us now they would not dare

No we will dance, watch our debt climb

While fearful they won’t come this time

With pieces breaking off the floe

Here come the falls, the rocks below

Two thousand years, a goodly run

We’ve thrown away for decades fun

No babies born, but what the hell

I’m sure Islam will treat us well

 

 

Dense Packed Snow

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The Federal Government has expanded to the point where it will soon capsize the country. Federal employee unions have grown massively in numbers and power in recent years, and are the principal reason the Democrats win any elections at all. And for that reason the Democrats must continue to feed the monster, even as it threatens to consume us all. Under the past two years of the Obama administration, the number of Federal employees increased by 137,000, at a time the private sector lost millions of jobs and the unemployment rate was approaching ten percent. President Obama recently ordered a two year pay freeze on government employees, a mostly symbolic act, for the freeze will realize 28 billion dollars in savings over the two years, or a six-tenths of one percent reduction in the projected national debt of 4.52 TRILLION over the same period. There is a freeze coming, and it will affect all of us, not just federal employees. And the big problem with freezes is that freezes turn the gentle snow into treacherous ice.

 

 

Dense packed snow will turn to ice

As quickly as you please

Long time no raise will not be nice

Because of two year freeze

But think about the upside now

Forget the lefty shouts

We’ve got to get rid of somehow

Those bureaucratic louts

Who sit all day and dream of ways

To make life worse for all

Now we can sit and count the days

Before the blessed fall

Of bloated government and yes

Of bloated unions too

The Tea Parties will clean the mess

And turn Reds white and blue

 

 

Master Of The Universe

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The world economy is in shambles, the euro is on the verge of collapse, the European Union is shaking in the wind, with countries that should never have been tied to the big boys tied to a monetary system that forces them into bankruptcy. I chanced upon my friend Montmorency, a homeless man, once a Wall Street Master of the Universe, and asked him what happened.

 

 

Well, he said, what no one thought

Was that the market could be brought

To such a state and in so short a time

In fact we thought ‘twould never end

That we could borrow, tax and spend

While making money risking not a dime

But suddenly it came undone

Just too much debt and when the One

Piled trillions more upon us that was it

And not just us but Europe too

The welfare state just grew and grew

We had a world of bubbles made of spit

And so that’s where we are today

Defaulted bonds and hell to pay

And riots in the streets with burning cars

The Chinese nervous as a cat

The Germans saying that is that

And all my money friends now drunk in bars

And then he cried and waved a hand

I saw he’d sold his wedding band

And noticed that his clothes were torn and soiled

I handed him ten bucks and said

This cannot last, it is not dead

The welfare state has left us soft and spoiled

The politics will find a way

To take us back to that fine day

When checks were given out to one and all

He cried and said he sure hoped so

And as I smiled and rose to go

He sobbed and said we sure did have a ball

 

 

The Great Pretender

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Barack Obama is no longer the President of the United States. The other day he turned the job over to Bill Clinton, at a press conference called to explain the ins and outs of the compromise reached with the Republicans on the impending massive tax increases due on January 1, 2011, tax increases the Democrats dearly wish to inflict on anyone making a decent living. So now we have two former presidents, Clinton and Obama, but only one is and always has been a pretend president, and we all know who that is.

 

 

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender

Pretending that I’m doing well

My need is such

I pretend too much

I’m President, but no one can tell

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender

Adrift in a world of my own

I play the game

But to my great shame

I left you to stand there alone

Oh yes, I’m the great pretender

I fitted my head for a crown

Yes I seem to be

What I’m not you see

Yes I’m just another black clown